


Survival of The Zappest

by PickleGarden



Category: Futurama
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 10:47:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14330826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PickleGarden/pseuds/PickleGarden
Summary: Zapp takes Kif to the Pine Barrens Woods for a weekend to teach him survival skills.





	Survival of The Zappest

On the spaceship known as Nimbus. The leader was Zapp Branigan. Self proclaimed lothorio and 10 star general of DOOP. Who had quite the reputation of being a military hero. His assistant was Kif Kroker. Who was second in command. Kif and Zapp were exact opposites. Kif was known to be painfully bashful and shy. Unlike his boss, Zapp. Who was known to be arrogant, incompetent, perverted, phallic, selfish, egotistical, chauvinistic, bossy, cocky, manipulative, supremely vain personality, as well as his incredible stupidity.

 

Zapp was about to land the Nimbus spaceship into a space hangar. Kif and Zapp both came out. 

"So, Kif. Got some plans this weekend?"

"Yes, sir. Amy invited me to go to a party boarding race."

"Well, cancel it! We have more bigger and better things to do!" 

"Don't want to let Amy down. It means a lot to her if I go!" 

"If Leela wanted me to go see one of those Butterfly Derbies she used to be a part of, I wouldn't go!" 

"Why would you stand up people like that?" 

"That's what being a man is all about! The whole bros before hos code of honor!" 

Kiff sighed, "What do you want me to do this weekend?" 

"Both of us are going to the Pine Barrens Woods in New New Jersey. I'm going to teach you how to survive in the wild. Then once you've learned, use the skills I taught you to the DOOP soliders!" 

"Guess I don't have much of a choice. Let me call Amy and tell her I couldn't make it." 

"All right! Meet me in the Pine Barrens Woods at 50:00 hours sharp this Saturday." 

Kif straddled off. He wasn't too excited to spend a weekend in the wild with Zapp. 

 

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Early in the morning, Zapp and Kif were both in New New Jersey's Pine Barrens Woods. Zapp was pitching a tent. 

"Uh, sir. Will we have to ward ourselves against bears?" 

"When that time comes, of course!" 

Zapp got out some sleeping bags and more supplies to help them get through the weekend. 

Kif longed to go to Amy's party board race. He didn't like how he had to abandon his plans to be with Zapp. 

"Buck up, Tiger! She'll understand! Amy knows you have a life that has you following orders from me."

"I know. So, what is the first thing you want me to do?" 

Zapp began to rub two sticks together to start a fire. "Pay attention." 

Kif watched and them asked, "What are we going to do for food?" 

"That's the whole idea of starting this fire. Now follow me." 

"What now?"

"We're are going on a nature hike until noon. Then when we are done, we will search for some food." 

"Fine." 

Zapp was leading Kif around the forest on their nature hike. "This is boring. Will this be worth it?" asked Kiff

"Of course it will. It's supposed to be boring. Builds character." Zapp said. 

The only thing Kif enjoyed was seeing the animals around the forest. Which made the weekend trip slightly better. Kif even took some pictures of the animals in the forest. Helped Kif cope with Zapp's eccentricity. Kif and Zapp see some sleeping bears. Kif asked, "We are not going to shoot any of these animals, are we?" 

"Quiet Kif. Don't awake those bears for anything!" 

"Right." 

"And no, we haven't gotten to that part yet!" 

"AAWWWW!!!" 

Zapp and Kif made it without waking up the bears. Then Kif stepped on the twig that had Zapp startled. "QUIT! You'll make us impervious for animals to attack." Lucky for them, no danger was coming their way. No wild animals heard Kif stepping on the Twig.

Kif was growing tired. "Keep up with the pace, Kif! What's the matter? You weakening on me? Suck it up, solider!" Zapp ordered. 

Collapsing and sitting down Kif asked, "Is it noon yet?"

Checking his watch, Zapp said, "Why yes it is! Time to catch some food!" 

"Thank GOD! Seemed like you were going to take me around the state!" Kif said who was out of breath. 

"Let's head back to our tent and get some fishing rods." Zapp suggested. 

Kif and Zapp headed back to their tent and handed Kif some fishing poles. "You know how to fish, right?" asked Zapp.

"Back on my home planet my parents taught me." Kif remembers. 

"They're still flies right." asked Zapp jokingly. 

"Yes!" Kif answered sarcastically. 

Zapp directed Kif to a nearby pond. "Now go grab some grub! Get a feast that would feed a thousand." 

"Yes sir." Kif said. 

Kif didn't understand why Zapp was staying behind at the tent. 

"Aren't you coming? asked Kif confusedly.

"Nope, going to have to do this yourself!" said Zapp then he took out his favorite porno magazines. "Love to go 100 Shades of Grey on you!" Zapp said to the picture of the centerfold. 

 

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Kif went to the nearby pond. He didn't feel right without Zapp's guidance. 

"He could've at least come with me and fished too!" said Kif. "Never liked him leaving me alone like this! What do I expect for Zapp? He never showed me any empathy!" 

Fortunately, Kif DID know how to fish. Kif used the fishing pole and used the reel of it to lure the fish. 

Zapp watched Kif from far away. "Need to teach him independence! He's doing all right for hismelf!" Zapp still wasn't impressed with Kif's fishing skills. Of course, nothing Kif did ever impressed Zapp.

Kif caught over 50 fish and put them all in a net and headed back to the tent. Accidentally going into the wrong direction. Kif was lost. Beginning to panic Kif started to cry. "Oh no! I'm lost! Whatever shall I do!" 

Seeing a tent that didn't look like the one him and Zapp shared Kif believed it was the tent. "Oh, good. I'm home free!" Kif said. 

Not before too long, Kif was then surrounded and cornered by backwoods wilderness folks, called Space Billies. Pointing their rifles at the Amphibiosan, the demanded what he was doing in their turf. The Space Billies were aliens who looked like humans. They wore plaid shirts and overalls and instead of human ears. Space Billies had ears of forest animals like squirrels, bears, mooses, honey badgers, and wolves. 

"Hands up there, greeny!" 

Kif gasped, "Who are you people?" 

"Wes are Space Billies, boy! "

"You're hanging round our private business!" 

One of the Space Billies had a gun barrell in Kif's face, "We don't like your kind 'round here!" 

"Tell us your name?!" 

"Uhhh, my name is Dustin Jones......"

"Dustin Jones! HA! A weirdy like you having a name like that! We know better!"

"What's your real name?" 

"*sigh* Kif Kroker!" 

One Space Billie grabbed Kif by the shirtcollar, "We gonna tie Kif up!" 

Kif screamed, "AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!"

Another Space Billie took away the fish Kif caught. "But first! We're gonna eat Kif's food!" 

The Space Billies laughed and cracked up while they were proceeding to tie Kif to the tree and eat the fish he caught. 

"ZAPP! COME AND SAVE MY ASS! I'M IN A BIT OF A JAM HERE! " screeched Kif. 

 

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For many years, Kif had always resented Zapp for treating him like a second rate citizen. Zapp has always been so harsh on him. Not letting Kif have days off to spend with Amy, sending him on suicide missions, and at times even embarrased thus humiliated Kif. Now he stood tied to a tree at the hands of the ruthless Space Billies. Kif was very doubtful that Zapp would come to help him. In his experience, Zapp had made Kif help himself and get himself out of bad situations. Kif was defenseless and didn't know what to do. Space Billies were debating on how to prepare the fish. 

"How should we eat this fishes?"

"Let's make some soup!" 

"Great idea! Then we will put the little green martian in there too!"

"What in the hell is he anyway?"

"A shit spieces! That's what!" 

"Who gives a flying fuck anyway! We'll eat him!" 

The Space Billies laughed at the thought of making Kif be an ingredient for their soup. Kif whispered, "Oh no! They're going to devour me! Please let Zapp notice I'm gone! He has before." 

Terrified out of his wits, Kif was crying. At Zapp's tent, hours flew by. "It is like Kiff to take his damned time! He better not have snuck out and......" In the past whenever Zapp sent Kif to do anything, Kif always tested his patience by completing whatever task he was handed very slow. Zapp decided to go look for his miserable sad sacked assistant. 

"Kif! Kif! Come on out and stop hiding away, NOW! That's an order! Do you want a dishonorable discharge?" 

Relying on his instincts, Zapp went to the pond and uses his solider skills to try to see what direction Kif must've gone in. 

"He went off somewhere? But where?" 

Zapp tried the hiking trial but no sign of Kif. That was until he heard some insane laughter in nearby. "I know that laughing! It's from Space Billies! I gotta follow the sound of the laughter! That has to be where Kif is!" 

The Space Billies circled around Kif and got out a knife. "Pay attention! Where should we cut him first?" 

"Hows about the neck?"

"Nah! The gut! Then work our way to the inside!" 

"Think the brain would be a good place!" 

Kif screamed and yelled. But it didn't effect the Space Billies. Zapp heard Kif's screaming and ran to where it lead. Zapp sees a tent much like the one him and Kif built. "Ho Ha! I know now! Kif got kidnapped by Space Billies! Zapp Branigan to exploit.......I mean.......to the rescue!" 

Zapp ran with lightning speed. While he was training to be a solider, Zapp learned about the Space Billies. What he learned about them was that they were much like redneck humans. Space Billies didn't like anyone who looked different from them. 

"Enjoy your last moments of being alive, freak!" 

"Soon you'll be in our digestive track!" 

The Space Billies cackled as they were about to cut open Kif. Zapp comes out of the shadows. "Unhand him at once you foolish fiends!" demanded Zapp. 

"No way! He's our lunch!" 

"Get outta here before we throw you in with him!" 

"He is not lunch! This creature is my servant! So let go of him you bitches!" 

Zapp is now going to charge at the Space Billies. 

"Whatcha gonna do about it?" 

"THIS!" called Zapp. Kiff saw that Zapp took out a laser pistol and shot all the Space Boonies at point blank. The Space Boonies were all killed by the laser blast. Kif, "Sir! I've been captured! I got lost and didn't know what to do!" 

Instead of giving him the usual grilling and cross-examination, Zapp decides to go easy on Kif. For now.

"Then I was caught by these assholes who wanted to eat our fish then eat me too!" Kif disclosed.

"Never fear for I am here!" said Zapp.

"You actually are going to help me?"

"Only for this time, and do not open your mouth about this to ANYONE!" Zapp warned Kif.

Kif was soon freed from the constrains by Zapp from the tree. "Oh thank you sir. Didn't think you would save me." 

"I do try to teach you the basics of self-reliance. I think you're getting a little better." said Zapp.

"Great to know you weren't going to let me die."

"No why would I? That's all a part of being a hero is to help your fellow men."

"You always got some amusement by treating me like crap. Yet you saved me?" 

"If I had let you get killed, then it would ruin my rep as a DOOP General. I can't live without you! And I don't mean that in the way that you think!" 

"I know. This time here in the woods made me appreciate you as my boss!" 

"Affirmative, Kiff! Now let's get back to the tent. Now it's time to hunt animals!" Zapp revelled. 

"Oh no! Really?" asked Kiff. 

"NAH! As Bender always says! Just joshing you!" Zapp said.

"So will you teach me the ways of surviving in the woods?" 

"That's why I'm here, Kiff! To instruct self confidence and fearlessness. Don't you ever forget that the most erotic part of the woman is the boobies!" 

"I like that, Zapp!" 

"We are a much better pair of friends than that pathetic Fry and Bender!" Zapp said getting a word in edgewise. 

"That we are!" said Kif

 

Zapp and Kif went back to their tent to continue on with their trip to the Pine Barrens. Both of them now have a newfound appreciation for each other.


End file.
